Self confidence and self discovery are traits I have struggled with pretty badly and I still have lots of work to do, however, in the last three years I feel that I have really grown as a person and have found out more about myself and how to be confident in who I am without worrying about others thoughts or opinions on me. I used to be scared to say or do things I thought people would judge me for, I wouldn’t dress the way I wanted in fear of family mocking me I had to keep my interests and hobbies hidden in fear of judgment because I knew people would find it *cringey* or have negative things to say about it, but once I started to accept myself and who I am I realized that the people that the people who truly care about me (siblings and friends) that my interests were valid and my happiness wasn’t meant to be hidden, now I can confidently express myself through fashion, the environment, animals, astrology, religion, mental health, etc. If people truly love you they will accept everything about you whether it’s something they agree with or not.

“If people truly love you they will accept everything about you whether it’s something they agree with or not.”

Now you might be wondering “Jaiden how did you find and build self confidence and acceptance?” I will tell you right now it was not easy, I am a very closed off person and it took me years of practice to open up with people and trust not only them but myself, my boss once told me “You need to figure yourself out and be accepting of who you really are.” That really stuck with me and I am grateful to have his support of me and his words of encouragement really helped me with being more open to myself and those around me.

“You need to figure yourself out and be accepting of who you really are.”

Not everyone will have such a supportive and understanding boss like I do which is why I am writing this article so I can pass on the advice I have received in hopes it will help you with finding yourself and being accepting of yourself. I have thankfully journaled through my goods and bads in order to reflect on the person I was vs the person I am today and will be sharing parts of that journey with you today so I suggest you grab a journal or notebook and start your self discovery journey today!

1. Acknowledge your flaws

We all have flaws and it’s time to acknowledge that, having flaws doesn’t make you a bad person because we’re all only human and our flaws make us unique. The first step is to notice those flaws and how they impact you and those around you, my flaws were very focused on self image, I convinced myself I had to dress, look, and act a certain way for people to like me, which is phony bologna looking back. I had so much anxiety around peoples thoughts on me and that is another flaw I had to acknowledge, my mental health, it was severally bad to the point I had to cancel plans with friends, call into work or not go to school, I was hiding from the world but for what? I felt safer when I was alone and didn’t have to put on my act of being some calm, cool, collected girl with her perfectly put together life but in all truth I was a mess, I hated my self so much because I knew deep down I wasn’t being my authentic self and people only knew this character I was portraying I was a major people pleaser which leads into my other flaw of being a people pleaser, I would adjust my interests and personality depending on who I was with which is not healthy and just exhausting.

Make a list of your “Flaws” and fears, then beside each “flaw” write down the reason behind it, below that write a solution you can do to accept yourself e.g:

Flaw #1 – People pleasing – I want people to like me so I need to be just like them.

Solution – If I want these people in my life I should let them know the real me in order to have a healthy relationship.

2. Positive Over Negative

Negative thoughts have a way of sneaking into our minds and can really bring us down. One of my worst habits is easily negative self talk which can get pretty intense if you don’t change that into a more positive thought. Not only are your negative thoughts lowering your confidence and ability to do basic tasks but they also show other people that you’re not confident in yourself and that can ruin future opportunities down the line. It’s important to challenge those thoughts with something more positive or realistic because often times our negative thoughts are not realistic at all as an example:

Negative thought: I made a mistake at work and now my boss will fire me for being unreliable and messing up.

Positive thought: I made a mistake, my boss may be upset but I know that he’d be happy to coach me on how to correct it for the future because everyone makes mistakes.

Negative thought: My friends canceled our plans, they probably hate me and are hanging out without me.

Positive thought: I know my friends love me and have their own lives, they deserve a day to themselves and we can always reschedule.

3. Ask for help

I know it can be scary and intimidating to ask for help but the first step is to acknowledge that you DO need help, there is nothing wrong with getting guidance in life that’s what therapists and teachers are there for. I am a firm believer that everyone should ask for help and don’t pretend to be stronger than you are, you don’t always have to be the strong hero, you need to let yourself feel your emotions and asking for help will do you so much good, I feel that everyone should give therapy a try, not every therapist will be a good match for you heck I’ve had 6 different ones in the last three years until I found one that was a good match each of them did have good points and advice but there will be one that just fits you in the best way, no one is perfect and everyone has their inner demons so don’t be scared of asking for help and breaking down your wall, you need to accept the good and bad parts of yourself in order to grow and find that self-acceptance.

4. Spend Time Alone

There was a point when I was a struggling teenager and felt like I HAD to be around people 24/7 in order to hide from my feelings, that was not healthy. You need to spend time by yourself to really get to know yourself, explore your interests, study your personality (I love doing personality tests for further insight such as the 16personalites and zodiacs) I love those personality journals where they have questions about you that you can answer in all honesty and they really help you figure out what your views and goals are in life, there was a point where I felt like I had no goals or dreams anymore and felt like I wasted my life away but I took the time to self reflect and from that I learned more about myself and had goals and motivation like never before I listed the places and experiences I wanted to do with no deadlines because setting a time limit on accomplishing goals was doing more harm than good, I just wrote what I wanted to accomplish deadline free so I can let everything happen naturally, after doing that I realized how much I did accomplish in a short amount of time because I didn’t have the stress of doing something I wanted. So spend time by yourself, meditate, journal, self reflect, learn about your family history, etc.

5. Say NO

No means no, don’t always agree to do something without thinking about how it will affect you. If you have a busy workload and your boss asks if you can do another task think about what tasks you have to do still and how adding another one will affect you both physically and mentally, if something feels overwhelming or wrong then say no. 9/10 people won’t be mad at you for saying no, I used to be so scared of saying no to people but when you do it gives you more confidence and self awareness because you’re looking out for yourself and other, if you say yes to something you know you can’t do it’ll just make a bigger mess for everyone around you. Alternatively you could ask to do it at another time when you know you’ll be able to handle it if it is a task you know you can do when you’re in a better headspace, it’s all about thinking before acting.

6. Take care of yourself

I wrote an entire article about self-care, but I also believe that taking care of your physical aspects will bring more self confidence, if you look good you feel good. Regularly showering, doing skincare, dressing in outfits that empower you, getting outside, sitting in nature, working out, enjoying food that fuels your brain, etc. All of these factors go into boosting your self-confidence.

7. Get Out More

The opposite of tip #4 I know, but again we need to find balance in our lives to truly discover ourselves and find that confidence. Going out with friends or to events will open your mind up to the world around you, go to museums, dinners, concerts, events, etc. Discover your common interests with people, go out alone and meet new people open yourself up to experiencing life and finding things you’re passionate about and bring you joy and fulfillment.

8. Hobbies

There are so many hobbies out there, you might’ve been so caught up in your mind that you stopped doing things you enjoyed especially if you’re an adult you might’ve gotten busy with work or school and don’t have the time to do things you used to enjoy, this comes with finding a work-life-balance, there is actually lots of time in the day to do something you love, if you work a standard 9-5 job and get 8 hours of sleep that still leaves 8 hours of you-time to express yourself! One of my problems aside from being a workaholic was not having that balance I would be so drained after work/school and stressing about it after working hours that I would just sleep as a soon as I got home but once I started to get back into the things I enjoyed even if I wasn’t good or talented at it I still found that sense of enjoyment doing it, my main hobby is guitar and writing songs, as an example say I had a long stressful day at work I get home with all these emotions and I think to myself “Today was a hard day what’s something I can do to feel better and express these feelings in a healthy manner?” That’s when I grab my guitar and a notebook and start writing a song on my feelings, or maybe you’re interested in drawing but don’t think you’re good at at. Who cares? Hobbies are for YOU not other people, it doesn’t matter if you’re good or bad at them as long as you enjoy doing it.

9. Be Open

The last piece of advice I have is to be open! Now that you know your flaws, fears, passions, etc it’s time to shine! You have so much personality and it’s time for people to get to know the real you, don’t be scared to share your interests with people, express yourself to the fullest, accept the fact that not everyone will like or accept you and that’s okay, there are people out there that will come into your life and accept every last bit of you, you don’t have to open up to someone right away, taking your time to understand them is always the smart thing to do before sharing everything about you but expressing yourself is so good and it feels great to be around people you have a genuine connect with and enjoying your own company. It’s a long and slow process and you’ll feel scared and have walls up but in time those walls will come down and you’ll be much more confident in yourself.

I genuinely hope this article was helpful for you, as long as you find a healthy balance in your life and open up to opportunities and take more initiative you’ll start to figure out more about yourself and how to be happy with the person you are. It’s all about expressing yourself for all the good and bad and understanding how your mind works and what makes you happy, surround yourself with the right people that will lift you up, finding hobbies that spark joy and fulfillment, enjoying your own company and learning new things everyday! If someone doesn’t like you for being yourself don’t waste your time on them, cut the toxic people out, think for yourself and focus on your own happiness, don’t worry about what people think because 90% of the time they’re more focused on themselves anyways. Once you look at life through positive eyes you’ll find that self-confidence you once had and life will feel much more exciting again.

Xoxo Jaiden